(the dept. of) Public Jerks

2010-06-27T20:16:00.001-04:00

I've crossed over the slick divide of twee, being thirty

2009-09-29T20:09:00.000-04:00

For awhile this blog didn't have any focus coming out from my end, and then the other day, as I watched a kid get what I was talking about, I thought it might be interesting to write more frequently and with focus: henceforth, I'd really like my writing to be based on my experiences in the NYC DOE as part of their student-teaching program.

I am at a small school in Brooklyn, and my co-operating teacher will be out for the rest of the week due to a terrible (and sadly cruel) twist of fate. I thought today might be a good time to introduce the unit I would be teaching starting on 5 October, but half-way through the lesson I realized that they haven't even been tested on what they learned in the previous unit. Fuck.

I emailed my supervising professor for his advice about the situation- mainly about should I even be teaching with a substitute with little mentoring skills in the room, and he went ahead and called the principal.

Now I'm meeting with the principal tomorrow morning for a temporary reassignment, and I have a sneaking suspicion that she might be a little angry that I went to my supervisor before her, but my co-op teacher had her accident on Friday and I wasn't told about any of this until I stepped into the classroom Tuesday morning at 830am.

Argh. I've joked about this a few times already, but the joke is wearing thin: the job of this student-teaching experience is to also teach me how to navigate the murky and dangerous waters of a gigantic bureaucracy, and if I'm not even on the payroll yet I must be in for a real fucking treat from what I can tell from this preview.

Hell yes.

2009-07-08T21:50:00.002-04:00

I am seeing the BIG DUCK this Summer. Swell!

2009-06-05T22:08:00.001-04:00

55 degrees (Fahrenheit)! in June!

2009-03-02T23:56:00.004-05:00

A snow day memory.

There was a snow day, in the very-early 1980s. My dad wore his plaid coat and other winter gear and I wore winter gear fit for a two year old.

There was snow that you could drown in, as tall as corn, eighteen stories high.

He constructed a snow slide, meaning a playground-type of construction, made of snow.

I was little, I weighed little, it worked like a charm.

I am sure I wanted my Dad to try it too, but he probably told me he was too big, ergo the slide would break.

I probably didn't understand, but enjoyed the slide.

Now, I am in my late-twenties and own a lot of plaid shirts and a plaid coat that I wear in the autumn, especially when I am pretending to rake leaves.

2008-10-12T22:56:00.004-04:00

We were walking down the street
and you said that these kids were just exposed
"to one of the messy truths of living."
(I'm paraphrasing)
I laughed.

2008-10-11T21:01:00.005-04:00

We are driving east on the Brooklyn/Queens Expressway, heading towards the Long Island Expressway on an early Tuesday afternoon in very-late August. The sky is overcast, and the air is barely whispering that yes, Autumn really will be here in a few weeks. I had convinced you that Montauk is really fucking beautiful, and whereas I’m from Long Island and whereas I’m really into you (despite me trying to stay on the straight and narrow) and whereas we both have two and a half consecutive days off, we rent a car and are off into the country, away from the city, on our way to fall, you know? You’re really beautiful and good lord, I am trying to take it real slow and not get very attached and ergo fuck it all up. I hush my head up long enough to put an album that you and I are in love with, an album that is now the funny talking-point to what is now a marriage with a cat and rent and reminders to go to the dentist.

I am getting ahead of myself.

I, Terence Dee, hereby solemnly swear to tell you one particular way that Liz Phair’s 1993 album Exile in Guyville has put an arrow through my ears and heart. It is supposed to be about the work in and of itself, but when you add in the fact that I’m more or less married on account of it, you could construe the story to be about love. On both counts (the album and Daniel) you will know that when I say I’m in love, you best believe I’m in LOVE, L-U-V.

Exile in Guyville was first introduced to me by my older, cooler sister Lorraine in the summer of 1995. I put it on the backburner of my mind, concentrating on more masculine sounding music like R.E.M. (ha!) and Pavement. I was actually more interested in Liz Phair’s second and third albums, Whip-Smart and Whitechocolatespaceegg, mainly because I couldn’t really wrap my head around how huge and complex the album was, or maybe it was that I couldn’t place it in my life, I couldn’t make it meaningful to me.

Truth be known, it’s an album about a messy break-up, hardly the type of thing two people want to fall in love to. But we did. We talked about all the things the album meant to us at different periods in time. Over those first two months, between casual flirtation and, uh… heavy petting(?) we realized that, duh: We were meant for each other.

This past June the album celebrated its fifteenth birthday. It was re-released with bonus materials and press from reviewers who bemoaned the loss of the artist to the pop scene (debatable, in my opinion). It was also decided that she would perform the album from start to finish at three dates. We bought tickets to the second New York show.

To pay good money to attend a performance of your favorite album seems sort of stupid and wasteful. Wouldn’t it be better and cheaper to simply dim the lights in your bedroom, crank the volume and stand in front of a poster the singer while singing and mouthing the lyrics? Yeah, but it is totally not being there, living it, and I can assure you that Daniel and I would have regretted not seeing it. I would even go so far as to say that I would have regretted it the way I regret forgetting to call my grandmother up on her very last birthday.

In conclusion, both of us seeing Liz Phair performing Exile in Guyville in front of us, on a stage, was her way of marrying us with eighteen songs.

We held hands throughout the entire show because we are geeks and because we are in love.

Three days after that show I went to the dentist for the first time in seven years.

And yeah, Daniel reminded me to go.

2008-06-07T02:08:00.001-04:00

testing testing

is this thing still on?

2007-12-13T20:06:00.000-05:00

the starting stages of my astronomy extra credit paper:

So, I woke up at 830am today (today being Thursday, the 13^th of December) and decide that today is the day I will go to the Hayden Planetarium and see the displays and take in the show that is called “Cosmic Collisions.” I sort of wish they would have added several exclamation points after the title, because when I think of a phrase like “Cosmic Collisions” I expect there to be a lot of Whiz! Bang! Pop! moments involved. There were, assuredly, but I just really wish the people responsible for the title would have taken excessive punctuation to drive home the point into account.

At about 10am, after my eleventeenth cup of coffee and some toast with pumpkin butter I noticed that it started to sleet. I decided that this was as good a time as any to jump into the shower and get dressed. I collect my laundry and then head into Manhattan.

I really hate going into Manhattan. If it wasn’t for school, I’d probably visit Manhattan as many times in a year as the toes on Ernest Hemingway’s famed cats. The reason I have a disdain for Manhattan is mainly because I grew up on Long Island, so any trip to “New York City” was relegated to this island the colonists bought off the natives for a few bucks. Not to say I didn’t enjoy the trips, but by the time I made the reverse move my parent’s respective families had made decades ago, moving to Brooklyn, I was sick of it.

As I mentioned a few paragraphs ago, it’s sleeting. I drop my laundry off and thank the sweet Russian woman who handles the machines for touching my dirty clothes and assure her I will pick them up later in the day, and realize I left my scarf at home. I slide down the sidewalk of my Brooklyn neighborhood back to my house and get my scarf and tell my cat, Ollie (Kitty Yum Yum), that I’ll be home later, and goddamnit, he better have dinner on the table when I get home.

Waiting for the F train to come, I think it would be funny and silly to listen to songs with references to stars and their ilk. I instead settle for a band called Galaxie 500, a Boston band from the late 1980s/early 1990s. They’re real mellow and good “headphone music,” especially on a day like this one.

After a brief layover with a lunch date, I head uptown to the American Museum of Natural History. I get off at the station, and remember how much I love this museum.

This museum was one of the first I remember ever going to. In retrospective, I think my love for it stems from my love of having to make dioramas in elementary school. They have so many full size dioramas! It’s amazing! The last time I remember the bulk of my family going (all of us, aside from my older sister) was 1990-ish. My father deemed it funny to take a photo of her mowing the lawn, as a sick punishment for not driving into the city in the station wagon for family fun.

Okay, okay. The “planetarium part”: I check my coat and bag (they were wet, sue me) and get on line. I’m figuring I’ll receive an incredible discount for being a student (and a poor one to boot!) and am told to pay $16.50. FUCK. Anyway, I do it, mainly because I know you, dear reader, want me to succeed and do well in this class. Still: $16.50. Is this considered a tax write-off? I know that when I go to museums like the Metropolitan Museum of Art I pay no more than $1 for the basic entry (In your face, suggested donation!), but still. It’s not like there’s a box-office tally going on for a film they show every half-hour.

2007-11-20T19:08:00.000-05:00

this photo is from february 2001. i had taken a temporary respite from my parents' house and relocated to philly. i took some time with a guy named tim. after the fact, i would have sworn he'd broken my heart times a zillion, but six years and a bunch of months later, i'd say that i was experiencing sexy sensations outside of a ten mile radius of my folks' house, so.... time brings the shite into persepctive.

anyway, i needed to place the photo into a time frame.

the woman to my left was my friend laini. she died last week.

she was, and in my heart of hearts, believe her to be one of the most incredible sources of ingenuity, selflessnes, hilarity and FUN FUN FUN i have ever had the honor and pleasure of knowing in my brief span of time on this earth.

she is missed and loved.

her untimely death made me realize i need to get my ass in gear, stop being inactive, stop putting tomorrow off for six months, etc.

i hate that it had to be her that made me realize this.

i'd have gladly given a house plant to realize this.

laini, i love you.

2007-10-07T15:16:00.000-04:00

well well well - we meet again....

i haven't a clue what i should write - so much is going on - so much is up in the air - like a circus performer i have alot of balls in the air now - and i am trying my hardest to not drop them - because in juggling - the tendency is to not just drop one - but to drop them all - perhaps i should use a different, less dramatic metaphor next time - but i am a dramatic person after all - my therapist would agree -

at any rate - the winds of change are blowing and as ani would say

"fate is not just whose cooking smells good, but which way the wind blows"

and that is my life right now - played in part by my decision making - by how much i want things and how i can work them out - and the other half is just the world doing its magic -

so change is coming - and i am accepting that things inevitably must change - and in general in my life change has been good - up until the most recent parts of my life this has held true - the mid-twenties took a turn for the not so good in the change dept - but thats what therapy is for -

and if you haven't picked up on the change connection to the photo already - know that this amount is of money is enough to get you on the subway - but even that is changing - pretty soon you will need more than this - nothing stays the same i guess - not even change

wish me luck - there will be fun adventures on the horizon to blog about -

terencedee - the proverbial ball is in your court......

2007-09-14T20:25:00.000-04:00

oh, life.

you keep punching me in the face.

the summer is starting to leave a hint of itself (if it already hasn't) and i am resigning myself to the comfort of my bed, over and over again.

i have made a plethora of missteps this summer, and i want to continue dancing.

that's me on the edge of long island, montauk. it was the kind of experience i am sure i had as a child, but being all man-like, etc. it felt more real and vital.

i have made the decision to insert an insulin pump in my side, to become more machine. i will kill the humans, but not the disease. the disease keeps me apart from them, thus making me further removed from the killings.

what am i saying?

oh, i'm waiting for the sky to fall.

2007-09-05T14:30:00.000-04:00

video blog!!!!!

2007-06-25T01:32:00.000-04:00

oh, the summer's been good from the start.

i'm trying this new thing where i focus on my troubled, heavy head.

and it's sort of working.

i keep having these freak out moments where i get up from my desk (yes, i have a desk now) and walk for a little bit.

i just got back from one where i walked to the park, freaked out because i was at the park! at 1230am!!! and got back on the train.

this head of mine? i like to think it's aces and roses, but am constantly amazed at what a struggle a solid frame is.

diana gee is in town, we are beach-bound on a monday, aces and roses, aces and roses.

christ, i hope so.

2007-05-16T00:49:00.000-04:00

i know i owe a real update, but this is all i can muster:

NOAH KELLY SQUIRES!
a tuesday afternoon in may.

the mamma is to the left, she is my sister. our mamma, holding noah to the right.

i am in love, love, love.

when i say i'm in LOVE, you best believe i mean LOVE, L-U-V.

today?

today was magical.

2007-05-11T12:21:00.000-04:00

well - it's been a month since a posting has gone up and even though me and terence have this 'back and forth' thing going on - i think a month is like a license to cheat - dont you? at any rate - i am cheating - and posting something - because this site is going to be a year old soon - and there is that sentimental bone in my body that wants this thing to continue to track the lives of both me and terence - but i also love that it is such an incredible record of my life over the last year - a record of me and terence bouncing our ideas and experiences off of one another - and a record of my shift from complete train wreck to post comps love filled sap - {dont get me wrong - i still have my 'days' but i am certainly not where i was a year ago} all this to say - that its time for a quick update -

things are still fab in loveland - eric is still a dream - and we are more in love every minute of everyday - long distance is difficult as you can imagine - but there are charming things about being able to tell the kids that we were living in diff cities when we met and so on - {yes kids...we are no fucking joke over here}and of course there is something incredible about meeting up in airport and train stations and bus stations all over the place - its such an incredible way to enter into a relationship on some level - and of course its not the optimal because i dont want to be away from him for one second for the rest of time - but i have to say that there is something beautiful in this experience that ought to be recognized and shared - call me a sap - but life is too short to be too embarrassed to share your sappy emotions - i love the guy - like alot!

other than that - things are still weird on the academic front - i am no longer manic but i fear that as soon as my toe sets down on dissertation land that i am going to go back to the complete meltdown that my comps once were for me - where i was reading and crying on a daily basis - where submitting comps was a painful and sickening {literally} experience - but i am going to see what i can do to prevent further academic breakdowns - maybe i just needed a mental break - and i certainly got one - or should i say - gave myself one - and thank my non-existent god for that

i am currently TAing this course on 'Motherhood and Mothering' - its a full year course condensed into six weeks so its the reading load of some of my grad courses because i am reading like a five hundred pages {at least} a week - PLUS novels - which is overwhelming but really good for me - its only been a week but i really like my bunch so far - they all have alot of really great things to say and are already critically thinking about ALOT of things - asking questions about how class, race, ability and sexuality all affect/mediate the experiences of mothers, kids, families and larger institutions - I even had a twenty minute convo with mom about the post WWII period and how my mothers own experience related to the ideas that we are talking about in this class - AMAZING, eh? me talking to mom about mothering, her experience AND get this, feminist theories of mothering - AMAZING is right!

and finally - its summer - finally - i know that in the 'real' world it's spring - but i am teaching a summer class and i dont need a thousand layers to step out into canadas painful winter - and that makes it summer in toronto - and its amazing to live here in the summer - its a ton of fun - drinking on patios - walking around without a destination or even in a hurry - its amazing what a painful warm winter will do to make you really appreciate summer {all the canadians are laughing at me now because i am calling toronto winter 'painful' but i didnt grow up in ottawa or st. john's or nothern manitoba - so i am a wimp - but its fucking cold here ok!}

so this picture is me giving toronto summer a thumbs up - cause it rules to be here when its like this outside - except when you have to do comps - stupid comps - always ruining everything -

so come visit friends - and see the wonders of a canadian summer!!!

i guess thats it - for now - i need to go read - and read and read -

terence my love -

the hypothetical ball is in your hypothetical court my love -

2007-04-10T02:26:00.000-04:00

Asleep
is what i should be
but i am not
because i never am
at this hour of night

i should just accept that i am nocturnal - i should embrace my nighttime personality - i should stop taking homeopathics prescribed by my naturopath - stop drinking tea - stop all the things i try to do to 'try to fall asleep' and just let it all go - whats the worst that could happen - i stay up late - and wake up late??

whats wrong with that??

good question diana

what is wrong with that?

hmmm lets see

everything in the world wants me to go to sleep now

i cant go to the bank - or the post office - or buy someone a birthday present or do much of anything useful that involves the world -

i can completely isolate myself and do all my phd work in the middle of the night when everyone is alseep - i can stay awake in my partners living room all night blogging about not sleeping -

the top ten things keeping me awake right now
10 - thinking about the world
9 - thinking about the day
8 - thinking in general
7 - my restless need to always be running around like a lunatic
6 - everything fun happens at night and i dont want to sleep through it
5 - thinking about tomorrow
4 - lack of any schedule for the past 3 years
3 - my brain
2 - i woke up at 11
1 - sleep is for suckers

you awake t dog?? i wonder where you are?

2007-04-02T21:50:00.000-04:00

everything's coming up roses.

2007-03-19T14:20:00.000-04:00

Hello dear friends - it certainly has been a while - and you might be wondering what on earth I have been up to - where on earth i have been - and what the hell has kept me from this amazing loving blog that has made my life so much better all these months?? well get ready blog readers - the answers to all these questions and so much more are up ahead right after this commercial break....

hmm - where to begin - well first off - i will tell you that i am in love - i am head over heels in love - and almost all of my mental space has been taken up by the wonderful addition that my incredible partner has been in my life - his name is eric and he is fanfuckingtastic - he flies here all the fucking time and when his flight got canceled this weekend because of the sleet and hail and snow in nyc do you know what he did?? he got on a fucking bus - he got on a bus that took 12 hours to get him to buffalo before he got kicked off the bus for not having his birth certificate - he is amazing - he waited for 2 more hours before i picked him up in buffalo - he is a gem - he really is - so thats update number one - in love with the best person on earth - and he is my partner - i win!

the other thing that has kept me from blogging to you - oh blog of mine - is that i went without a computer for about a month - my lappy totally gave up on life and was done done done - which was ok cause it got me through my MA and all the way up to the middle of my PhD - which is pretty impressive - so i was working from york university - aka hell - and coming home and basically living without a computer - which was actually a healthy process for me- it made me restructure my work habits and life in a really good way - but then two weeks ago when eric was last here do you know what he did - he fucking brought me a computer - i told you he was a gem - i know you were thinking that he was pretty cool - but you dont even know the half of it - i mean - seriously - who flies with computers - so this blog is being typed on my new fancy mini mac - it rules - and now i am finally catching up on all my computer like business and am back on the blogging train - finally .....

my current state is somewhere in between complete smittenness and the lull of my academic apathy - its not that i am being lazy - its that feeling when you have to want to do the thing that needs to be done in order for it to get done - and all i want to do now is snuggle with my partner - not write my diss proposal - edit an article i am contributing too - do my research job - or mark 27 papers tomorrow -

no no no

i want it to be springtime already -
i want to eat chocolate on a ferry to loveville
i want to take photos with the sun shining on his freckled face
i want to listen to music that fills me up
i want to drive with the windows down and that music up and sing until i lose my voice

i guess its nice to want things

2007-03-08T11:15:00.000-05:00

dear winter 2007,

I WIN! I fucking kicked your S.A.D.-inducing ass to the floor and then mopped up your slop with your chest hair!!!

how does it feel to have a losing winter, dude??? how does it feel to know that i didn't stay in bed until 5pm? how does it feel to know i didn't head to the corner store for a six pack after i ate cereal, buddy???

hahahahahahahahahahaha!

i win! i win!

oh, hang on a sec. spring is calling me.

okay, i'm back.

spring just threatened me. but i didn't believe it, not for a second.

i'm all aces and roses and hot air balloons. i'm a million miles in the sky.

love and spitting in your face,

terence dee

2007-01-31T01:34:00.000-05:00

this is a short, wee one.

sunday night, after watching a campy episode of THE L WORD, we noticed it was snowing, and that snow had just begun accumulating.

snowball fight ensued, and i got slugged in the eye with a snowball and my contact fell out.

i loved it though: another whiz! bang! pop! moment in life, letting you know that you! yes, you! are in fact, alive.

life has been pretty fucking incredible of late.

2007-01-12T00:54:00.000-05:00

so i find that it's the little things that make living in canada so different and amazing - things like this photo - when i was driving to new brunswick/nouveau brunswick (it's the only bilingual province so i am being pc, duh!) i was completely freaking out in the car with claire in quebec when we drove by this - yes - it's true - KFC is PFK in quebec - because of course the french acronym would be different - but i was really freaking out - YELLING IN THE CAR - TAKING PICTURES - if you know me - and i assume most of you who read this blog do - then you can imagine the complete freak out i had when i saw this - and of course - ottawa born and bread claire is all like 'whatever' to my insane freak out - these canadians are used to the french all over the place - little do they know how much joy it brings to my ridiculous life - though i get excited about a freshly sharpened pencil too so maybe i need a timeout - although - everyone was talking about how excited i was about spumoni gardens pizza in brooklyn and they were into it - i mean - its good fucking pizza - i live for that shit - on a hot summer night when you have to wait in line with like ten guys named tony in their muscle shirts standing in front of you dripping ices all over themselves like babies - it gets me every time -

TANGENT

so tonight i had another one of those moments that makes living in canada so special and great - i went to a friends house for tea and i told her i had just started bleeding (no i didn't cut myself - my uterus is contracting, duh!) and she gave me PMS tea - and if you have ever been to canada you know that everything has both english and french on it - and so i turned the box of tea over to look at the french side and guess what - PMS isn't PMS in french - it's SPM - isn't that amazing - i was once again filled with the joy that is canadian living -

so after talking so much smack in my previous post about being back in canada and not being able to access the showtime website from here - i am now redeeming and defending 'my home up north' and giving it super props for continuing to make me so giddy about such simple things - though eric seems to be making me unbelievably giddy these days as it is - and he will soon enjoy the amazingness that is canada too - which is awesome - so so awesome!

so keltie - this blog is for you - know how much joy canada brings to my life - if this doesn't redeem my previous post i will just have to make you a duct tape wallet instead....

2007-01-10T21:39:00.000-05:00

that presidential address???

most depressing thing ever.

i think i almost cried eleventeen times.

talking heads times a million, though.

i called bullshit!!! in 2003, and this is one instance where i hate to be right.

happy new year is the lie of the decade.

if i could, can i please be put in a time capsule, and defrosted after the mess of humanity is over? i'll shake hands with survivors, and tell them i'm sorry about the past.

then, and only then, would i want them to put me on trial for crimes against humanity.

only because i'm just as responsible as everyone else is.

2007-01-07T11:35:00.000-05:00

hey friends - and a happy new years to us all - i must first apologize for being a complete luddite for the past month for failing to blog like it's my job - i went to new york - as most of you know - and i generally moved around for the entire month - i seriously think that the most amount of time i stayed in one place was two nights - seriously - i am not joking - but i spent every night that i was in new york state with people i love so who the hell am i to complain...the goings on tend to be generally good these days and my trip was the most fantastical amazing part of my life ever... though lots of chaos ensued with the ex that remarkably isnt giving me a psychedelic freakout -

here is the breakdown - if you aren't interested in my rambly details stop reading here!
*i began my trip in albany where i went gay dancing and was incredibly incredibly drunk - then i had ex drama - then i went to new york where i got incredibly drunk at caddyshack and danced on the stage - which terence will not stop reminding me about - i followed this up with seeing my sister and my folks which was awesome and then went out east to see my lovely amber and cheryl - i even managed to work from stony brook with a train while i was there - walking up the zebra path and talking with amber was so sweet - my little heart melts as i think about it - i eventually came back to BK and hung out with adi at east 3rd and made plans to go to a protest with her on the 21st - which is where i met the cutest boy on earth (which is what he will be referred to as until i can feel not like a creepy psycho writing his name over and over again in my blog) - when asked about me blair proceeded to tell him i only date girls but i managed to get my digs into her and get her to call him back and tell him that i think he is adorable and tell him that i want to hang out when he gets back from the midwest -

then x-mas came and nothing much to report -

then me adi and tara saw rocky 6 and it blew our fucking minds - he is amazing - he (and by he i mean rocky, duh!) is a philosopher in this one and is totally dramatic and soap opera like - it ruled - seriously it did - we also played the alphabet game because my legs were itchy - why were they itchy?? who knows - but the alphabet game became an awesome distraction that included me and cutest boy going on a picnic - hi can i be obsessed -

then denise had her cocktail party where i got loaded and yelled about rocky with my cousins - i ate alot of cookies and had alot alot alot of beer - it was fun to be around the old staten island crew - but the night was still young because tara.. in her amazingness...picked me up from south south south brooklyn and drove me back up to east 3rd to meet up with cutest boy and go to caddyshack where we made out like maniacs all night - we even got yelled at for being in a lesbian bar to which i yelled back about people not knowing gender ident - i proceeded to wake up the next day with the worst hangover i have had in a LONG time and i also had the biggest stubble wound known to human kind - wow my face was fucked up - everyone was yelling about it when they saw it - but cutest boy ever decided to wear bandaids out on new years eve to keep my broken face safe - can he be great???

i had a wonderful new years and proceeded to spend the remaining time i had in brooklyn with the cutest boy on earth until we had to sadly part ways - i went to albany for a night of yelling with some old albany friends over an ichiban dinner - and if you have never been to ichiban i can tell you that its not the best place to yell because its the size of my pinky -

and now i am back in canada - its been amazing to see the friends again and to hug and love everyone here - i also saw emily haines last night at the very very cold danforth music hall where her singing rocked my socks off - fischer is still chewing her hair off and i am still procrastinating and pretending i am not a phd student...

this is my trip - in a nutshell -

in other news i have recently discovered that you cannot access the Showtime Networks webpage in Canada - when i tried a message popped up and says exactly this

"We at Showtime Online express our apologies; however, these pages are intended for access only from within the United States."

so when i wanted to see what time all my friends were gathering on east 3rd to watch the L word (cause who the hell knows what time the L word starts)i was told that my nation status was simply too much of a problem for them - which seems to be a theme in my life generally - fucking canada - always one step ahead

2006-12-02T22:32:00.000-05:00

oh, man!

where have i been, lo these many weeks???

so, i'm pretty sure i was up on existential crises last time, but i think i found a way to ride them like a type of bucking horse in the old west.

i may have decided that i am the type of fellow, the type of person/man, that can only exist in the here and now. i try to contact the future via olden and modern means (hand-written letters with stamps, finger typed briefs of the electronic variety) but i feel like i only exist as a flesh and blood/flash and body terence. i think this probably has to do with my relation to mortality, but it may also have to do with my love of roller coaster rides and the moments betwixt 11pm and midnight on christmas eve at seven years old, talking to meredith, wondering what could happen next.

which can be a problem for many.

i am still here, surely. i think i just worry about what i say in my present, and how that affects my legacy.

i am an egotist for sure, but i truly believe we all are. i can't imagine us functioning otherwise.

i think i have the thesis of my winter months meditations, so maybe bear with me???

2006-10-26T12:13:00.000-04:00

oh my beloved terence.... an existential crisis on the go.... i totally hear you - i am completely freaked these days.... been having crazy episodes... which makes me happy that i am spending the weekend on a farm.... i can use some peace and quiet...maybe we need to have these freak outs to help us figure shit out... cause i am in this mode where i am 'supposed' to be figuring out what to do with my life... and this degree... and where to live... and all that... but mostly i get caught up in living everyday because thats what we do... we live everyday....we eat... we talk to people... we work.... we take showers... we made dinner... and where is the thinking time....where is the figuring out time.... i can only slip in freak out time here and there....

i am virtually hugging you terence... and i will be thinking about you while i am on the farm.... and while i am meditating on the farm... hopefully it will be so peaceful and rejuvinating that i will come back and life will make a lick of sense....

if not at least i will have fun pictures....

love you t!

2006-10-26T01:22:00.000-04:00

okay.

what the fuck is the reason for my existence???

i feel another existential crisis beneath my skin.

scratch, scratch, scratch.

2006-10-24T22:37:00.000-04:00

one of the best things i could look forward to in elementary school, from grades one to five was the promise of ms. collins' class at halloween.

(side note: ms.collins was also a lesbian, and the first teacher at st. james elementary school to ban SNAP BRACLETS)

every year, without fail, ms. collins would put this on the slide projector (and yes, i know this is a short film, but there was totally a filmstrip version available with a 45 record) and i would sit, year after year, completely enthralled with what i was seeing projected before me.

i look at this film as a bonafide twenty-six year old, and can see how these five minutes, once a year for five years, shaped my art.

the grim and sad, dressed up and packaged as the hilarious and beautiful.

the best lesson i learned from the time i was able to remember was that if you don't laugh at the tragic, heartbreaking and sad, you'll crumble. some might call bull shit! and others might call me a fortress-on-an-island-builder. these are gospel truths and angels that i wrestle with. this is what makes me who i am.

oh, dramatics! comedies of errors, errors of comedies. a neverending circle.

anyway, here it is, the 1929 walt disney SILLY SYMPHONY "THE SKELETON DANCE"

2006-10-21T14:52:00.000-04:00

life going the other way

so i realized today that i have this habit of only wanting to post blogs when i am having some sort of freak out - when i am completely and totally panicking about absolutley everything in my life - whether it is the completely mundane or the most serious and imminent catastrophe - this tells me two things about myself - one: i use blogging as a means of processing my life - which means it serves a purpose for me other than sharing - which is good and bad i suppose - depending on how you read it - and two: when i am freaking out - i want to not be alone in that freak out - i mean i generally don't want to be alone any of the time - but when i am freaking out i particularly dont want to be alone - and blogging is a contact with the world that is comforting to me in more than one way......which brings me to this post

what on earth could i be continuing to freak out about - cant i just relax and just 'be' - well - maybe - but i am working on it - so rather than blog about my fucking freak outs i am going to blog about what i am doing about them - which is far more interesting to me at this moment and will hopefully be far more interesting to you as well -

yesterday i meditated for the first time - i have been reading this book about mindfulness and meditation practice for over a month and i purposefully didnt start meditating right away because i dont want meditation to be this 'quick fix' bullshit that i dont take seriously - so i read - and i thought about what the intro and prepration chapters had to say - and i thought about what it means to 'let go' and to 'be mindful' - and i thought about taking my life 'one moment at a time' - and i thought about the idea that we only have moments to live - and i thought and thought and thought - and finally - i decided to try and meditate - which sounds so much easier than it is if you have never done this before - its fucking hard as hell for me to track my breathing - the idea of thinking about breathing makes me feel like i am choking - it really does - but i sat and i did it anyway - and after the first minute or two of sitting do you know what happened - the first thing that happened to me when my life slowed down to the pace of my breathing was that i cried - not for any particular reason - not because i was thinking of something sad - and not because i particularly felt like it - it was just the first reaction that i had to the practice of meditation... if you can believe it

so that brings me to here - i was having a freak out earlier - which happen from time to time - and the thing that i wanted to do once i was done being an initial maniac was blog - and now i am brought to the second thing i want to do - go and meditate - maybe it will ground me - maybe it will center me - maybe it will just be some quiet in my life... but i am going to give it a shot - because i think it might be something that is good for me and for my life - and because everyone needs a slowdown - right - its like traffic lights - we all take the yellow light to mean speed up when in reality its trying to tell everyone to slow down...and maybe i should take myself up on that offer

2006-10-11T11:16:00.000-04:00

canada was a happy, happy slap in the face that is going to knock me into being an official adult.

by official adult, i mean one with a job that isn't faking smiles and wiping people's mouths off for the mere POSSIBILITY of a 15% tip.

i talked to the transfer counselor today, and she said i should take an intersession class and go full time in the spring, and then apply to hunter and see where that gets me.

i can count on every appendage of my body how many times i've fucked school up, and often times that counting makes me count the hairs on my head, that's how many times.

i am watching SUPREME PRESIDENT OF AWESOME GEORGE W. BUSH in a press conference, and he's talking business and smiles, courage, conviction. i really love the way he says "KOREA" and "MILITIA." he's almost got this gay lisp thing going on, which is sort of adorable. it's always everyone elses fault, is what i am getting out of this press conference. democracy, democracy, democracy. the blood he bathes in daily makes his skin positively radiant, a shiny beacon of light atop the hill.

i am begging for a HELEN THOMAS CAMEO, because she is all kinds of woman.

last thing: the new BLOW album, PAPER TELEVISION, is all kinds of INCREDIBLE, tightly packed into roughly 30 minutes. it holds me close and tells me that everything is going to be alright, even if things being alright is a false concept, an intangible gospel lie.

post-script: sorry to do this to you diana, but the new cat power video for the song, "lived in bars" is probably one of the most sincerely sweet and honest music videos i've seen in ages.

post-post-script: also, anyone who reads this blog, and has their own should leave a comment and diana gee and i will add yours to the sidebar. provided, of course you requite the feeling.

2006-10-02T22:43:00.000-04:00

'Enter Sandman' should never be played on the Subway

so i am walking in the subway the other day and this man who is playing electric guitar for money is playing the most horrendous version of Metallica's "Enter Sandman" in the most noodly awful way possible and all i could think was 'is this how my day is going to end - is this what is going to sum up my life??' - some 80's metal song bouncing off the glass and metal bars of a subway hallway - some guy playing this song for loonies and toonies and any spare change - everyone walking around humming this ripped up shitty version of this song while they commute home or to the mall or to whereever people go - what made this man think that 'enter sandman' was a good idea at that moment - why not a little simon and garfunkel - or maybe something more modern and sappy - some death cab for cutie or some bright eyes - something that doesn't sound so awful when you are playing some noodly version of it on the toronto subway all by your lonesome self - why, i ask? why?maybe i need to relax and not think so much about everything - like why every single year i have been teaching there have been twins in the class and they always take the same tutorial - you would think they would split it up and make the sweet valley high swtich up much more subtle - but no - or asking why my nieghbors think that kareoke is a good idea - maybe i need to take a step back from the ridiculous things that make life seem so... well..... ridiculous - and stop worrying that everything is just some facade to cover up the human misery that lives somewhere deep in us all - stop imagining that we really are just a loose cannon about to go off and that all the love in the world and all the caring and all the beauty that you can imagine is going to disappear - or that all the love and all the hate and everything is simply pointless - and that we are doing all of this for absolutely no fucking reason other than to keep our silly little lives full of shit - full of absolute shit - maybe its the past of broken hearts talking - maybe its the abd blues - or maybe i am actually going to fulfill my existential freak out and just go off my rocker - but i am starting to feel like even the good is still shit - i mean... love is shit - and loving people and then living far away or having them die or having them break your heart or something like that is just shit - its all shit - or its all suffering - like the buddhists have argued for centuries - love is suffering - happiness is suffering - i don't know - maybe the noodly version of enter sandman just set me off - maybe it was a bad day - or maybe i am right and this is all just a big pile of shit - either way - this is a note to all subway performers out there - do me a fucking favor - don't play metallica all by yourself to a bunch of subway riders on a thursday night - it totally sucks ok - it just plain sucks...

2006-10-02T02:49:00.000-04:00

i know it's diana gee's turn, but she did the same thing to me a few weeks back.

anyway, i saw the ORION CONSTELLATION, my most favorite constellation in the universe, for the first time since last time tonight on the cab ride home.

and i sort of cried about it.

granted, i was also listening to "PARENTHESES" by THE BLOW at the same time (my AUTUMN SONG) but the feeling of both was a heavy weight and i let it all go.

on a cab ride home!!!

mr. orion constellation, I LOVE THEE.

2006-09-18T12:48:00.000-04:00

dear diary,

how did i get so dumb with only taking a year off from school???

last week in class (LADIES! of literature) i could barely descibe social construction and today i couldn't elaborate on if we've got true free speech or not in the country (all i could muster was about three more journalists in florida who were on the fed payroll. sort of on topic, but i picture it as the kuiper belt to earth. same solar system, but totally out there, away from each other) and we also got our first reading responses back today and the best i could pull out was a CHECK, not a CHECK PLUS.

on second thought, should i be more upset about a college professor falling back on the CHECK system??? she did write some constructive things about it. i think i should really focus on fleshing out my ideas better. like, collagen implant my ideas so thier plump, red ruby lips dazzle the beejezus out of the bachelor degree paparazzi.

on third thought, perhaps i should also focus on focusing.

FUCK!

i'm just eying a final finish line to bachelor degree-hood, and i can't stand the wait. to me, it's getting to be like waiting for christmas when you're five times eleventeen. eighteen year old terence dee is certainly learning his lesson right now. you listening, kid?

it's going to be at least two years.

i need to see a commercial for an accelerated degree program right now.

right now.

right now.

BEGIN YOUR FUTURE CAREER NOW!!!

please, diary? please?

2006-09-15T00:05:00.000-04:00

ABD: All But Dissertation or Ass Balls Dick?

and so i begin this entry with a question - what is abd - is it who i am - is it what i am - is it a stage, a phase, a term, a status - the abd that i refer to is all of these potentially - it is the part of the phd where you have done everything except your dissertation - where you can officially start applying for academic contract work and where you are halfway to completion - its a mini milestone in this world - abd is all of these things and more - and maybe it's just simply - ass balls dick

obviously this is an academic acronym - 'all but dissertaion' - which i think is funny because that doesn't sound very academic at all - but this is what people call themselves, and this, my friends, is what i have just achieved as an academic - i am officially abd -

remember those soul sucking, life draining, awful awful exams i was diving into when me and terencedee decided to get this blog off the ground - well i took those exams - and they SUCKED - they were soooo fucking difficult and weird and emotionally trying on me - and i hated every single second of them - and let me tell you - there were alot of seconds in there - 1,209,600 to be exact - and then yesterday i defended those exams - in a formal academic defense where my committee of three prof's grilled me on what i would have done differently and how i would characterize this emerging theoretical framework and how i can apply this theory to this idea and this persons work to this persons work and what the hell i meant on page 7 when i said this - and after two long sweaty hours - 7200 seconds later - they asked me to leave the room and wait outside while they discussed my work - and i stood outside for twelve minutes - this may not sound long to you as you read this - but twelve minutes is a LONG time to be standing in a hallway while the people who just grilled you are deciding whether or not you passed - 720 seconds in total - and then they called me back in and sat me down and my advisor said 'congratulations, you passed with no revisions' - and it was all over - just like that.....

sure they gave me feedback - which i listened to - but the nightmare - the emotional, personal and academic nightmare that was comps was over - i will never have to do them again - and i will never do them again for the rest of my life - unless i get another phd - but i doubt that will happen - mostly just cause i don't wanna do this again - not because one phd is not enough or anything- its just the comps that stops me from getting more of these things

- so now this demon creeping, isolating, self doubting experience has come to an end - and i am still here - i am still in this program - i am on my way to becoming what the prof i TA for already calls me - 'a gender scholar' - and the acronym for what this grueling process has been and what the past 2 years of phd work and 2 years of MA work have been and for what my mind and heart and soul have both been through and sacrificed for this degree - the epitomy of who i am in this moment - where i am in this moment and what i have to show for myself in this incredible beautiful and actual moment - is summed up in three beautiful letters -

i am officially abd - and who wouldn't want to sum up their life's work with three more interesting words than

ass balls dick -

- which is what my amazing sister guessed the acronyms meant the first time she heard it- and thank my non existent god we are related - because there is no way that i would get through life if i ever took myself so seriously that i actually believed that the acronym 'all but dissertation' could sum up what this moment means - so making it into ass balls dick does exactly what i want it to do - it makes this moment and everything wrapped up in it something too big and too important for words - it makes this moment a seventh grade joke - which is exactly what you do when you are twelve - you take the most serious human history, atrocities and current realities and most the incredible literature and poetry, the most influential speeches and photographs produced by the human race and you reduce it to some bad joke about someones ass, balls and dick - so instead of trying to capture the enormity of it all - i am taking the seventh grade strategy of assigning importance based on the level of imaturity of the joke-

and this one is big - i'm just saying - being ass balls dick in women's studies - its a big fucking deal

2006-08-31T14:05:00.000-04:00

"how can he be clean that is born out of a woman?"
-- job 4:4

that's a pretty funny one.

the obvious truth is that everyone born out of a woman is pretty filthy. television offers the viewer with a wide spectrum of baby cleanliness.

the highest occurance of clean babies occur on network tv sitcoms. true, they don't actually show the baby being, uh, birthed(?) but the next thing you see is the doctor is handing the baby wrapped all cute in a blanket, clean as a whistle to mama.

on medical dramas (also network tv) the babies tend to have a grittier look to them. i once read that on ER, that former hit nbc medical drama, that they spread jelly (i like to imagine it as raspberry preserves, seeds and all) all over the babies, and when i say spread i really mean slather. they slather those babies in raspberry preserves to give those netowrk tv babies that straight-outta-the-womb look.

by far, the most realistic babies just born can be found on pay cable. the home of ass and nipple shots is also home to babies who look like a complete mess. these pay cable shows love to show a scene where the slimy, slimy baby (raspberry preserves and molasses, perhaps) is cut from the umbilical cord and crying! oh, the crying! then there is a shot of the mother in a purely anguised, happy, teeth-baring smile (if she survives the child birth, that is) and the doctor says "let's get that baby cleaned up!"

network tv babies are the cleanest, hands down.

2006-08-31T01:49:00.000-04:00

i know i am cheating cause this is supposed to go
me - terence dee - me - terence dee

but i finished writing comps today and i HAD to post it -
like a little kid on x-mas morning
like a little bratty kid the night before you go to disney
like a phd student who - with the help of a decent defense - is about to become abd -
i had to yell

"i'm done!"

2006-08-15T11:39:00.000-04:00

comps - they are a comin'

so i am about to take these two tests that i have been freaking out about for about 6 months - they are technically called 'comprehensive examinations' - but who doesn't love to abbrev - i mean seriously - comps just sounds way more fun - right?? though i sometimes wish they were called my qualifying exams - comps just doesn't have the ring of 'qualifying'- i mean - i like the idea of qualifying for something - at least at the end you can clearly say that you either qualified or you didn't - but we can't be picky when it comes to our phd's now can we -

so back to my shitty comps situation - the thing is that i feel like a high school kid the night before the exam - and i say 'the' exam because it doesn't really matter what exam you are taking - the night before is always when you really accept that you are in fact fucked - which is why i feel like i am in high school - because i genuinely feel like i am in fact fucked - now everyone is going to say that i am being self depricating and having no confidence or whatever - which is what i have heard for the past three months when i have been the most public about this freak out - but there are times when i wish that people would take my bullshit seriously and just say 'you know what diana - you are totally right - you did jack shit for these tests and you are going to bomb - good luck with that!' -

i didn't actually do 'jack shit' - which is why everyone thinks i will do fine - but doing what is adequate to pass and doing the work and mental labor that i have done are two very different things - i suppose we will see how different they are though, won't we -

mostly i just think that i am going to have a nervous breakdown during these exams - i really do - thats part of what the whole emdr was about - to ward off any serious mental freak outs - i still think it might happen though - its hard to say what will set off this comps bomb - but its certainly a possibility in the near future - maybe i will just fail - or maybe i will pass and realize that once again i feel like i have just gotten by under the wire - maybe i am jinxing myself - maybe i should shut the fuck up and just take the fucking tests already -

so if this blog tends to be tdog for a while then you know that i have self combusted and am sitting in a pile of my own insanity somewhere reading catcher in the rye over and over and over and over - while only eating cheerios and soy milk and wearing a blanket -

off to comps land until august 30th -

2006-08-11T02:20:00.000-04:00

there was a sun shower on thursday.

i was leaving my work to go and pick up some fly traps (the sticky, coil kind) and just as i was about to open the door i see a torrential downpour in broad daylight.

i say to my co-workers, "hey! check this out! it's incredible!"

i run and grab my camera and the photo to your left is the first one i take.

the woman laughs a sweet and playful laugh after the snap, as if she is saying to me, "this is pretty fucking cool, right?"

that laugh justifies my split-second decision to grab my camera.

my diet has consisted lately of hebrew national 98% fat free beef hot dogs, weed, camel light cigarettes (i know, i know), water and beer. i have to say, despite the gospel truths of my diet, i look pretty good.

i am still in that in-between. i don't really mind because the truth is, in-betweens make a pretty sweet quilt when the real fucking world starts blowing frigid air into your spaces.

i'm going to leave you with a song my older brother and i wrote when i was in kindergarten and he was in fourth grade.

jack frost, he's a real ace
he rapped on my window and
i shot him in the face

replace jack frost with anything that's giving you shit in your life and you might start coming up aces and roses.

2006-08-03T00:13:00.000-04:00

hmmm - the in betweens - i hear that - i have felt like almost everything i have done in my life and continue to do in my life is part of some process to get ready for something - what that something actually is...i am not sure - but something is coming... at least i think it is -

but i am with you here terence in that the in between feels like i am in a catatonic state - and this waiting has me dicking around doing stupid shit until then - at least i used to fill my time with better things - but i am not even having any sex to be talking about here (sigh...) - now i fill my time with phd crap that is not even really satisfying at the moment for whatever reasons - when i am going to get to the good stuff - when is the magic going to happen?? when are you going to feel ten times as much gravity or ten times as little?? when when when?? maybe that's all that life is - waiting for something - first we wait to be born and then wait till we walk and talk and wait till we are old enough for school - then junior high then high school - and then i waited for college (or University for you canadians) - then i waited for grad school and moving and waiting and waiting - two days ago i waited in line at the DMV (which is the Ministry of Transportation here..MTO - it somehow sounds better to me than the DMV) - waiting for therapy to work - waiting till i finish my stupid stupid stupid comps - waiting until i feel at home in canada - waiting until my cookies are out of the oven - waiting till i graduate- and even waiting for a time when i will need that inspired feeling i got when i went to that sarah harmer show - bottling it up and saving it for when i feel worst is actually the best thing to do with it - but it still makes me wait - and waiting is something i am no good at - old captain impatiento - that's me

but alas - at least something new and random has entered my life - something interesting to report back to team public jerks - something that might even speak to mr terencedee here and his wanting to feel a different kind of gravity - which in some ways is a different relationship with what keeps us stuck to the ground - so here goes

- I had a two hour intensive session of therapy yesterday where we did a new kind of therapy (new to me - but also relatively new in the world) called EMDR - it's an acronym for eye movement desensitization and reprocessing - fancy title, eh? - it's a pretty contraversial therapy that's used for a ton of things (and by things i mean psychological problems of sorts) - my therapist thought it might help me with my 'performance anxiety' which i kind of have for these exams i will be taking in a couple weeks (more to come on that later) - what the therapy actually is will sound fucking strange when i explain it - but sit back and bear with me friends - i am not making this shit up - so you start with capturing a moment - the moment of trauma, freak out, or in my case - mental block - you find a moment and describe everything you are feeling in that moment - both physically and mentally - and this is where you begin - this is the part that gets weird - ready - ok - so i took my moment and thought about it - and put on a headset and held onto two little vibrating things and just sat silently for thirty second thinking about my mental block moment while i had beeping noises going in my ears and these vibrating things in my hands - seriously - i am not kidding - it sounds crazy but this is what i did - and then after thirty seconds my therapist turned it off and had me report back what i got out of it - and then at the last thing that i said - she would turn the machine back on and say 'go from there' - and back to the buzz buzz- buzz buzz -beep beep - beep beep and away i would go into my own thoughts again - and we did this back and forth with me silent with the machine for thirty seconds and then report back for a half and hour - and i kid you not it was the longest half an hour of my life - it felt like ten fucking years - and do you know what - at the end - i seriously seriously worked through some shit - i mean it felt like 6 months worth of therapy packed into one little session - it was crazy - i have never felt or seen or lived through anything like it - i am a new person today - i really am - i think it helped that the frame for how you are supposed to be thinking about your moment or moments is that you are supposed to be on a train passing by these moments and looking in on them without actually living through them or stopping either - it sounds pretty cheesy and therapy like - but looking in on yourself while imagining you are on a train is a pretty fun thing to do - i recommend it t people - maybe i am just a control freak and i like the idea of being able to look away or that the train will eventually move past whatever it is i am thinking or looking at - but it's a pretty solid way to reflect on things - but the thing is that you start with that moment you have blocked but then you just take off from there and everytime you report back you just keep going from where you left off- and so i was thinking and talking about my entire life in that half an hour - the whole picture was there - why i am in school - my insecurities and where they might come from - my friends my parents - who i am as a person, academic - where i am where i want to go what i want to do - i used the word existential at least 4 times while i was 'reporting back' - and i guess it was a pretty existential experience in a way - but i wasn't lying when i said it was amazing - i am seriously a different person - no joke -

i think the philosophy behind it is that your cognitive mind helps your emotional mind get through whatever has made it get - for lack of a better word - stuck - i think that having things stimulating your cognitive mind while you are working through your emotional shit somehow makes your cog side help your emo side along - i have no idea why this works - or exactly how it works - but i don't really understand how this computer works or how the internet works - or hell how my phone works or tapes or CD or my own bodies ability to heal itself and all that shit doesn't keep me up at night - so if EMDR can get me through my comps without me having some massive freak out - then so be it

i wish i could order one of those machines - because even though its not like new gravity it's certainly something new - and it feels weird T -dog - weird but good - and thats better than just plain catatonic -

2006-08-02T12:33:00.000-04:00

what to do with this amazing and wonderful inspired feeling i have before i lose it???

good question.

i'd recommend canning these inspired bursts, this way you can eat them up when you feel all bugaboo creatively or just as a snack in the middle of a mild depressive state.

easier said than done, kiddo.

it's hot. i got a haircut on saturday, but sometimes i feel like i should have kept it longer, thus handing me a forehead mop when the air you walk through weighs 87 lbs.

i've become a daysleeper for the most part.

i work until 1am most nights and get home too wound up to fall asleep. sex and weed used to clear my head out really well, but now i find that the sexual acts merely get rid of one of the sources of frustration, the weed just fogs up the rest. i lay on the couch in a catatonic state, processing commercials (there;s a new hummer ad with a man buying vegetables and tofu and another man buying pounds and pounds of good ol' american red meat. the tofu guy freaks a little, but then he sees an ad for a hummer. he buys one. the tag line? RESTORE YOUR MANHOOD. it has since been changed to RESTORE THE BALANCE) and watching poor programming.

i think what i keep wanting is for either a) to experience zero gravity for at least ten minutes or b) to experience gravity times ten for 10 seconds.

i'm tired of the inbetweens.

2006-07-28T00:24:00.000-04:00

jeex louise - terence must be ready to kill me by now since it has taken me OH so long to post - but alas - i have spent WAY too much time in my car in the last 24 hours and i am finally back in my apartment in toronto ready to type as fast as humaly possible and write about random shit - (sigh of relief for being home sweet home) -

so i am just coming froma a sarah harmer show down on the harbourfront centre which was quite possibly the best show i have seen all year - if you don't know her i highly recommend her - but i ought to warn you that most folks should take my tast with a grain of salt - my ex always used to say that he never understood the logic in my taste in things - but then again - vicki from newfoundland said that there is not tast in logic - that's what makes it taste - so the point is that you should blame me if you hate it - ok - but i love the shit - and i thought i would share that at the very least - it was one of those magical music experiences when you hear the first note and a tear comes to your eye because its unreal that the person who you sing along to in your car at the top of your lungs is actually standing in front of you singing the songs that make life worth living - i cried alot at the end actually - me and sarah harmer songs have alot of baggage - its one of those kinds of things - i was moved and touched and had an inspiring moment that has become a little confusing for me - which is something that you might pick up in this blog - i am having a kinda sort existential freak out - i'm definitely having an academic freak out - thats for sure - but what my life is doing and where its going and where i am going all seem to be hanging in the air in between the space between my face and this laptop - and so i am constantly wanting to drop the phd crap and constantly wondering where the hell i should live and what the hell i should be doing and who will love me next and so on and so on - so when this pessimistic insanity is not appearing as a piece of shit tuesday morning not worth getting out of bed for and something good happens in my life for a change...i end of baffled not knowing what to do with it -

which leads me back to this feeling of inspiration - and what exactly to do with it - i thought about moving my furniture (random i know - but i am into visible change these days) - or maybe getting another piercing - maybe i should attempt to funnel this inspiration into my work but i hate my work right now so fuck that shit - which leaves me in a predicament of sorts -

what to do with this good amazing wonderful inspired feeling i have before i lose it -
perhaps i can leave you with this as a questions - terence - any ideas???

the previous blog was not read over before posting - so deal with the shitty grammar and just fuck off already about it - ok - i am not some fucking academic or something - jeez -
terence i miss you....

2006-07-25T13:19:00.000-04:00

okay!

diana gee and i, terence dee, welcome you to public jerks.

right now i am freaking out! excited about this sort of thing!!!

i am also freaking out about doing this sort of art with diana who is right now! freaking out about the chap tub (officially lip medex) that i threw at her and (after picking it up off the floor) applied to her lips! chapless no more!!! VICTORY!

diana gee is quite the person, and you'll see that as we go along here. i think she's aces.

i live in brooklyn, love the adventures of pete and pete (because it is in my dvd player right now) and have a cat named ollie (kitty yum yum). he's pretty fucking great.

take heed, friends: we are on the move.

2006-07-25T02:34:00.000-04:00

welcome to public jerks blog - i'm dianagee - and i will be one half of what this blog will become - the other half will be terencedee - my good friend and dear friend - he is quite possibly one of the most talented people i know and quite possibly the only good thing that came out of dating my exgirlfriend joanne - he absolutely astonishes me - at any rate - we are blogging together at last - we are going to take turns writing and responding and the like - so its going to be a mishmash of not just my thoughts and not just his thoughts - but a compilation that includes our friendship and our dynamic and the stuff that you get when you merge two peoples minds and hearts - i live in toronto where i do my phd and terence lives in brooklyn where he works and the like - we met in stony brook a long time ago - so yeah - this will be a wonderful way of continuing to grow as people and as friends when we are so far far away from eachother -

- there is no theme outside of talking about what we feel like talking about -its just us and thats it - word -

so welcome and i hope you enjoy -
hugs