hmmm - the in betweens - i hear that - i have felt like almost everything i have done in my life and continue to do in my life is part of some process to get ready for something - what that something actually is...i am not sure - but something is coming... at least i think it is -

but i am with you here terence in that the in between feels like i am in a catatonic state - and this waiting has me dicking around doing stupid shit until then - at least i used to fill my time with better things - but i am not even having any sex to be talking about here (sigh...) - now i fill my time with phd crap that is not even really satisfying at the moment for whatever reasons - when i am going to get to the good stuff - when is the magic going to happen?? when are you going to feel ten times as much gravity or ten times as little?? when when when?? maybe that's all that life is - waiting for something - first we wait to be born and then wait till we walk and talk and wait till we are old enough for school - then junior high then high school - and then i waited for college (or University for you canadians) - then i waited for grad school and moving and waiting and waiting - two days ago i waited in line at the DMV (which is the Ministry of Transportation here..MTO - it somehow sounds better to me than the DMV) - waiting for therapy to work - waiting till i finish my stupid stupid stupid comps - waiting until i feel at home in canada - waiting until my cookies are out of the oven - waiting till i graduate- and even waiting for a time when i will need that inspired feeling i got when i went to that sarah harmer show - bottling it up and saving it for when i feel worst is actually the best thing to do with it - but it still makes me wait - and waiting is something i am no good at - old captain impatiento - that's me

but alas - at least something new and random has entered my life - something interesting to report back to team public jerks - something that might even speak to mr terencedee here and his wanting to feel a different kind of gravity - which in some ways is a different relationship with what keeps us stuck to the ground - so here goes

- I had a two hour intensive session of therapy yesterday where we did a new kind of therapy (new to me - but also relatively new in the world) called EMDR - it's an acronym for eye movement desensitization and reprocessing - fancy title, eh? - it's a pretty contraversial therapy that's used for a ton of things (and by things i mean psychological problems of sorts) - my therapist thought it might help me with my 'performance anxiety' which i kind of have for these exams i will be taking in a couple weeks (more to come on that later) - what the therapy actually is will sound fucking strange when i explain it - but sit back and bear with me friends - i am not making this shit up - so you start with capturing a moment - the moment of trauma, freak out, or in my case - mental block - you find a moment and describe everything you are feeling in that moment - both physically and mentally - and this is where you begin - this is the part that gets weird - ready - ok - so i took my moment and thought about it - and put on a headset and held onto two little vibrating things and just sat silently for thirty second thinking about my mental block moment while i had beeping noises going in my ears and these vibrating things in my hands - seriously - i am not kidding - it sounds crazy but this is what i did - and then after thirty seconds my therapist turned it off and had me report back what i got out of it - and then at the last thing that i said - she would turn the machine back on and say 'go from there' - and back to the buzz buzz- buzz buzz -beep beep - beep beep and away i would go into my own thoughts again - and we did this back and forth with me silent with the machine for thirty seconds and then report back for a half and hour - and i kid you not it was the longest half an hour of my life - it felt like ten fucking years - and do you know what - at the end - i seriously seriously worked through some shit - i mean it felt like 6 months worth of therapy packed into one little session - it was crazy - i have never felt or seen or lived through anything like it - i am a new person today - i really am - i think it helped that the frame for how you are supposed to be thinking about your moment or moments is that you are supposed to be on a train passing by these moments and looking in on them without actually living through them or stopping either - it sounds pretty cheesy and therapy like - but looking in on yourself while imagining you are on a train is a pretty fun thing to do - i recommend it t people - maybe i am just a control freak and i like the idea of being able to look away or that the train will eventually move past whatever it is i am thinking or looking at - but it's a pretty solid way to reflect on things - but the thing is that you start with that moment you have blocked but then you just take off from there and everytime you report back you just keep going from where you left off- and so i was thinking and talking about my entire life in that half an hour - the whole picture was there - why i am in school - my insecurities and where they might come from - my friends my parents - who i am as a person, academic - where i am where i want to go what i want to do - i used the word existential at least 4 times while i was 'reporting back' - and i guess it was a pretty existential experience in a way - but i wasn't lying when i said it was amazing - i am seriously a different person - no joke -

i think the philosophy behind it is that your cognitive mind helps your emotional mind get through whatever has made it get - for lack of a better word - stuck - i think that having things stimulating your cognitive mind while you are working through your emotional shit somehow makes your cog side help your emo side along - i have no idea why this works - or exactly how it works - but i don't really understand how this computer works or how the internet works - or hell how my phone works or tapes or CD or my own bodies ability to heal itself and all that shit doesn't keep me up at night - so if EMDR can get me through my comps without me having some massive freak out - then so be it

i wish i could order one of those machines - because even though its not like new gravity it's certainly something new - and it feels weird T -dog - weird but good - and thats better than just plain catatonic -