comps - they are a comin'


so i am about to take these two tests that i have been freaking out about for about 6 months - they are technically called 'comprehensive examinations' - but who doesn't love to abbrev - i mean seriously - comps just sounds way more fun - right?? though i sometimes wish they were called my qualifying exams - comps just doesn't have the ring of 'qualifying'- i mean - i like the idea of qualifying for something - at least at the end you can clearly say that you either qualified or you didn't - but we can't be picky when it comes to our phd's now can we -

so back to my shitty comps situation - the thing is that i feel like a high school kid the night before the exam - and i say 'the' exam because it doesn't really matter what exam you are taking - the night before is always when you really accept that you are in fact fucked - which is why i feel like i am in high school - because i genuinely feel like i am in fact fucked - now everyone is going to say that i am being self depricating and having no confidence or whatever - which is what i have heard for the past three months when i have been the most public about this freak out - but there are times when i wish that people would take my bullshit seriously and just say 'you know what diana - you are totally right - you did jack shit for these tests and you are going to bomb - good luck with that!' -

i didn't actually do 'jack shit' - which is why everyone thinks i will do fine - but doing what is adequate to pass and doing the work and mental labor that i have done are two very different things - i suppose we will see how different they are though, won't we -

mostly i just think that i am going to have a nervous breakdown during these exams - i really do - thats part of what the whole emdr was about - to ward off any serious mental freak outs - i still think it might happen though - its hard to say what will set off this comps bomb - but its certainly a possibility in the near future - maybe i will just fail - or maybe i will pass and realize that once again i feel like i have just gotten by under the wire - maybe i am jinxing myself - maybe i should shut the fuck up and just take the fucking tests already -

so if this blog tends to be tdog for a while then you know that i have self combusted and am sitting in a pile of my own insanity somewhere reading catcher in the rye over and over and over and over - while only eating cheerios and soy milk and wearing a blanket -

off to comps land until august 30th -