life going the other way

so i realized today that i have this habit of only wanting to post blogs when i am having some sort of freak out - when i am completely and totally panicking about absolutley everything in my life - whether it is the completely mundane or the most serious and imminent catastrophe - this tells me two things about myself - one: i use blogging as a means of processing my life - which means it serves a purpose for me other than sharing - which is good and bad i suppose - depending on how you read it - and two: when i am freaking out - i want to not be alone in that freak out - i mean i generally don't want to be alone any of the time - but when i am freaking out i particularly dont want to be alone - and blogging is a contact with the world that is comforting to me in more than one way......which brings me to this post

what on earth could i be continuing to freak out about - cant i just relax and just 'be' - well - maybe - but i am working on it - so rather than blog about my fucking freak outs i am going to blog about what i am doing about them - which is far more interesting to me at this moment and will hopefully be far more interesting to you as well -

yesterday i meditated for the first time - i have been reading this book about mindfulness and meditation practice for over a month and i purposefully didnt start meditating right away because i dont want meditation to be this 'quick fix' bullshit that i dont take seriously - so i read - and i thought about what the intro and prepration chapters had to say - and i thought about what it means to 'let go' and to 'be mindful' - and i thought about taking my life 'one moment at a time' - and i thought about the idea that we only have moments to live - and i thought and thought and thought - and finally - i decided to try and meditate - which sounds so much easier than it is if you have never done this before - its fucking hard as hell for me to track my breathing - the idea of thinking about breathing makes me feel like i am choking - it really does - but i sat and i did it anyway - and after the first minute or two of sitting do you know what happened - the first thing that happened to me when my life slowed down to the pace of my breathing was that i cried - not for any particular reason - not because i was thinking of something sad - and not because i particularly felt like it - it was just the first reaction that i had to the practice of meditation... if you can believe it

so that brings me to here - i was having a freak out earlier - which happen from time to time - and the thing that i wanted to do once i was done being an initial maniac was blog - and now i am brought to the second thing i want to do - go and meditate - maybe it will ground me - maybe it will center me - maybe it will just be some quiet in my life... but i am going to give it a shot - because i think it might be something that is good for me and for my life - and because everyone needs a slowdown - right - its like traffic lights - we all take the yellow light to mean speed up when in reality its trying to tell everyone to slow down...and maybe i should take myself up on that offer